Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Stupid God Tricks #1: God is a Ninja


God: Bender, being God isn't easy. If you do too much, people get dependent on you. And if you do nothing, they lose hope. You have to use a light touch, like a safecracker or a pickpocket.
Bender: Or a guy who burns down a bar for the insurance money!
God: Yes, if he makes it look like an electrical thing. If you do things right, people won't be sure you've done anything at all.


I intend to prove that God is a ninja. Take, for instance, the ninja in your house. Yes, there's a ninja in your house. Trust me. The reason you don't see or hear him is because he's an expert in the art of stealth. But surely, you may suggest, he would be eating your food or something during his stay, leaving indirect evidence. He doesn't, because he gets takeout. Next, you may ask, is there any evidence of the local pan-asian restaurant delivering food to your house? Well, it's being delivered via ninja, and the store doesn't keep records because the ninja in your house threatened the owner with the invisible dragon in your garage and that elephant with red tonails hiding in your strawberry patch. Trust me.

What's the ninja doing in your house? He's stealing socks from your dryer. Sure, you could investigate alternate causes of sock loss, but when it's not something else, it's the ninja. Trust me.

So, how do we know God is a ninja?

Ninjas:
1. Are invisable.
2. Possess magical powers.
3. Flip out and kill people for no apparent reason.
4. "Touch" people with weapons that are used as flexable appendages.
5. Are flight-enabled.
6. Enjoy ramen.

God:
1. Is invisible.
2. Possesses magical powers.
3. Flips out and kills people for no apparent reason.
4. Touches people with a flexable appendage.
5. Is flight-enabled.
6. Is ramen.

It should now be intuitively obvious that God is a ninja. Sorry, people, the God will have nothing to do with pirates, the natural enemies of the ninja. Trust me.

8 comments:

MichaelBains said...

Sorry, people, the God will have nothing to do with pirates, the natural enemies of the ninja.

Hhhmmm... That explains this then.

Still, Ramen!

MichaelBains said...

By the way, I'm glad to see your post-count rising B-Dog.

Yer doin' the ol' Rockstar proud.

xiangtao said...

I used a similar logical model to prove there was a monster under my philosophy professor's bed. Since then he has stopped teaching Anselm's proof of the existence of god except as an example of bad logic

Bronze Dog said...

Ooo. Nice, xiangtao.

Anonymous said...

this ninjas are invinsibile to fight for secret love,love and hate go together,mescinity to,and feeling guilty to try to be perfect for other sinners.no im not perfect im ninja and pirate to,i will gnfty7ynunoubnftcehljk

Anonymous said...

Ninjas:
Can walk on water.

God:
Can walk on water.

Anonymous said...

You people are Jackass's. God is a Ninja but still Really. Ninjas are very calm People.

Bronze Dog said...

It's a reference to an old troll meme. I don't remember all the details, but he posed as some teenager and put up a website going on about how awesome ninjas are. It had a lot of reference to ninja 'flipping out' and generally being intentionally inaccurate. I think it was something like realultimatepower.com or something like that.

Naturally, real ninjas would be calculating since they rely on stealth and trickery.

Also, what's the deal with the random capitalization? It was bad enough when I had to suffer from the trend of random ellipses.