Friday, October 21, 2005

Less Boring Bigfoot Journalism

Seriously, why is this news? A Bigfoot convention that draws 400 people in Texas is about as exciting to me as a polyp found on Bill Manitopolis from Houston's ass. Where's the star of the show? Have you ever heard of a Star Trek convention where none of the actors from the series show up? Hell even Lincoln's ST convention had "Drugged Military Officer #2 himself, Chuck Hicks! So in a Rockstar exclusive, I was able to get a few moments with Mr. Bigfoot. Things get a little intense when he attempts to validate his existence.

Rockstar Good afternoon Mr. Bigfoot. Thank you for joining us. Why thank you Rockstar. Just "Bigfoot" will be fine.

Rockstar Very well, Bigfoot. Let's get first things first. What do you think of all those people gathering to discuss the latest sightings and tracking techniques at the Texas Bigfoot Conference? It's quite an honor, Rockstar. We are slowly starting to earn support from the scientific community.

Rockstar Scientific community? Mmmm yes. People have been believing in me for years, but this conference brought forth the newest scientific evidence of my existence.

Rockstar Such as? The thousands of footprints, sightings, and photographs.


Rockstar You don't think those prints are highly suspect? I mean, why have we found "footprints" but no hair, bodies or scat? I, um, don't poop or shed.

Rockstar As far as the sightings, isn't there a more rational explanation? According to Christopher L. Murphy's 2004 book "Meet the Sasquatch", I've been seen by 2,550 credible people, like this man: Notice the stunned look on his face? He's a big fan in Utah. Daryl Coyler, my lead investigator, even said "It's not a matter of believing, like faith, when you believe in something you can't see". How true!

Rockstar Couldn't those folks have experienced
pareidolia? Ya know, like, saw something they thought was you but was something else? Like seeing Jesus on a tortilla for example. There are many clear photos of me taken by credible scientists.

Rockstar Most of them look like guys in suits. Then how do you explain THIS!? (Bigfoot, according to the Texas Bigfoot Research Center)

Rockstar ZZZZZZZ... ......

Rockstar ZZZZZZZ... Rockstar?

Rockstar ZZZZZZ... Rockstar? Um, do you explain that?

Rockstar That doesn't look like anything paranormal, Bigfoot. It's just a shadow. In fact, are you...

(*shuffle* *rip*)

Rockstar BWAHAHAHAHAHA!! ......

At this point in the interview, Craig Woolheater, co-founder of the Texas Bigfoot Research Center ran out from behind the puppet. I chased him as far as I could, but I made my point. It's amazing how fast he can run with those big fake feet.

Having a convention about a bunch of invisible apes running around that no one has any evidence of...sheesh...

Wonder if it was held on a Sunday??

*Bigfoot photos credit: © Nimba Creations UK 2005. Bigfoot sculpture, mould making, casting, painting and hair punching. ~ they are awesome!*


Paul said...

You've got it all wrong, punk.

We have an ancient book that says, "Every word in this book is true." And we, the Society for Literal Belief, know that the part of the book that talks about Big Foot is true in a literal sense.

Freethinkers - ha! You guys never actually THINK now, do you...

Humbly yours,

Mr. Tendentious Ostentatious Braggadocio

Society for Literal Beliefs About the Things We Want to Believe Literally Because They Are Literally True, and That's the Only Reason

Anonymous said...

You're wrong! I saw Bigfoot myself. He was wearing a business suit and carrying a attaché case. A leather attaché case.

Michael Bains said...

I was gonna vote for the BFG but Paul convinced me he was literally not running...

How could he without a sneaker contract?

(I loved the "you sleeping" bit! LMAO!)

Anonymous said...
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Ryan Michael said...


Butterfly Fox said...

Speaking of ass-polyps. You must go visit this site:

Title of most recent post is: Diary of Indignities.

I am pretty sure you'll crack a smile. (No pun intended.)