Rockstar's Mailbag #2 - Fun With Spammers

The following is a real e-mail exchange I had with a spammer. I think I laid it on a little too thick at the beginning...

[Enter spamming asshole through gmail]

I have a new email address!
You can now email me at: alfred30tx13@yahoo.com

Dear Friend, As you read this, I don't want you to feel sorry for me, because, I believe everyone will die someday. My name is MR.ALFRED OLA KISHAAN a merchant in Dubai, in the U.A.E.I have been diagnosed with Esophageal cancer. It has defiled all forms of medical treatment, and right now I have only about a few months to live,according to medical experts. I have not particularly lived my life so well, as I never really cared for anyone(not even myself)but my business. Though I am very rich, I was never generous, I was always hostile to people and only focused on my business as that was the only thing I cared for. But now I regret all this as I now know that there is more to life than just wanting to have or make all the money in the world. I believe when God gives me a second chance to come to this world I would live my life a different way from how I have lived it. Now that God has called me, Ihave willed and given most of my property and assets to my immediate and extended family members as well as a few close friends. I want God to be merciful to me and accept my soul so, I have decided to give also to charity organizations,as I want this to be one of the last good deeds I do on earth. So far, I have distributed money to some charity organizations in the U.A.E,Sudan and Malaysia. Now that my health has deteriorated so badly, I cannot do this myself anymore. I once asked members of my family to close one of my accounts and distribute the money which I have there to charity organization in Bulgaria and Pakistan, they refused and kept the money to themselves. Hence, I do not trust them anymore,as they seem not to be contended with what I have left for them. The last of my money which no one knows of is the huge cash deposit of $12,000,000,00 that I have with a finance/Security Company abroad. I will want you to help me collect this deposit and dispatched it to charity organizations.Please endeavour to reply me on email address.You shall receive 20% for your time and efforts.

God be with you.

Yours Truly,

MR.ALFRED OLA KISHAAN

PLEASE KINDLY FULFILL MY LAST WISH- ALFRED KISHAAN

[Rockstar responds]

Dearly mr. alfreadol3-0txo20134,

My name is Ryan Michael Whitmore, but I go by the name "Rockstar Ryan". But you can call me by my real name, Kevin.

I am sorry to hear of your liver cancer! Have you tried Homeopathy or Astrology? DR. JAMES RANDI is teh best in the world at both.

So you are rich but never generous? HAHA - HA! That is how Throm{what you call "GOD"[I am part of a small religious organization here in teh states(in Waco, TX)]} WORKS?!in mysteriousness! That is why Throm I am sent you to me when he called you to him! I am gernerous bich but not rich.

I would be happy to help you in your question to have Throm{[(GOD)]} accept your soul. Please tell me how I can help?

LOVE IN THROM{[(GOD)]},

kEVIN "Rockstar Ryan" Frank

[This Fucktard actually wrote back to me...]

Dearest Beloved Kevin,

I am most grateful for your email,and I seize this opportunity to thank you for coming to my rescue and to also let you know that this transaction is a straight forward and legal transaction. I am somebody with a conscience. If this transaction was in any way illegal, I would tell you straight away so that you know what is involved and decide for yourself. But it is not like that at all, and you will later see and understand that.God tells me in my everyday prayers,that you are the chosen and right person to accomplish this humanitarian duty for God and humanity. I hope you were not too embarrassed by my first email to you since you do not know me. I had no option since my immediate and extended family have refused to distribute my funds because they want to keep it to themselves. I didn? know how to move the funds out and dispatched it to charity organizations, so I resulted to putting fate to test and making a random contact. I am communicating with only you at this moment with regards to this transaction. And I would not have any cause to do otherwise, except you state your intention to withdraw your assistance.Just like I stated in my first mail to you, this fund is presently in a security and holding firm. I cannot distribute these funds myself because of the following reasons: (1) I am under going medical treatment. It has defiled all forms of medicine, and right now I have only about a few months to live,according to medical experts (2) I want God to be merciful to me and accept my soul and so, I have decided to give alms to charity organizations and churches, as I want this to be one of the last good deeds I did on earth.It is for this reasons I am seeking for your assistance to stand as the beneficiary to the fund and retrieve it on my behalf and dispatched it to charity organizations. I may send to you some names of these organizations too. All the necessary documents required to get the Funds out of the security firm are in my possession and I will be sending them to you after we must have come to a conclusion and reached an Agreement. Note Before. I need you to give me your words that you will be very honest and straight forward with me when the money gets to you, So long as you can execute this Project successfully and help me dispatched it to charity organizations or set up one.
Thus, I would need you to get back to me on the following issues, (1) That you are in a position to be trusted as a God fearing person with such a large amount of fund and dispatched it to charity organization of your choice or set up one in my name. (2) That you are willing to contact the security company to discuss the terms of releasing the funds. (3) That you fully understand this transaction up to this stage and you are ready to proceed under\n these terms. (4) That you will keep this trust I have in you confidential pending when you have funds in yourpossession to distribute. As soon as I receive your reply that you are ready to proceed under these terms, then I will furnish you with all details including the company. But if you have any questions up to this stage, please ask and I will be more than happy to respond to them. And I will also send you all the necessary documentations to conclude this Project. Thanks for your mail, your mail has relieved me and I pray to almighty God with his infinite mercy to reward you. I believe when God gives me a second chance to come to this world I would live my life a different way from how I have lived it now. I want you to pray for me so that God would forgive me and be merciful to me and accept my soul. I will give you details of the charity organization which i want you donate the money to,please don\'t be worried\n about that.first i want to get the funds away from the security company,then youcan start the distribution to charity. I want you to know that what i\'m offering is a life time opportunity for you,and also for my wish to be carried out.

May God bless you,
Alfred ola kishaan",

[I responded]

Dearlyest betrothed KISHAAN ALFRED OLA alfredola30tx02@,,

I is extremely gladified that THROM IS telling you I am the right mand for the job. I look forward to donating the funds to the Battle of Little big horn ahead.

My lawyerd Hulk HOgans suggested that you are on teh level and I need to help you, but you have to please could YoU refer to [{(GOD ALLAH)]} AS ThrOM form now till death do us part.
(1) I am from THROm the MercILess that you can turst me with you monies. He told me at WREsTLEmANIA las year you was coming with me.

(2? THroM states that he wil let me donate all funds to the kingdom of Zamunda, teh Skeletor relief fund and Donald TRUMps.

I give you words with power taht I am mand for job. Please send me documnet so I can take all your money.

LOve in THroms,

Kevid "Rockstar Rayn" Frank St. Austin

"I just woopedur ass" - Austin 3:16

He has yet to e-mail me back...