Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Chuck Norris Fact # 17,019,876 - He Believes in Fairies

They tried to carve him into Mount Rushmore, but the granite wasn't tough enough for his beard.

His tears cure cancer; too bad he never cries. Ever.

He can divide by zero.

He's also an IDiot.

When asked by WorldNetDaily what he thought when some Parent's Basement Dweller wrote

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Chuck removed every bit of respect I had left for him after Sidekicks when he responded

It's funny. It's cute. But here's what I really think about the theory of evolution: It's not real. It is not the way we got here. In fact, the life you see on this planet is really just a list of creatures God has allowed to live. We are not creations of random chance. We are not accidents. There is a God, a Creator, who made you and me. We were made in His image, which separates us from all other creatures.

By the way, without him, I don't have any power. But with Him, the Bible tells me, I really can do all things – and so can you.
The Theory of Evolution is not real? Like the theory itself doesn't exist? Do I need to link here?

And it appears Chuck thinks we are just too cool to have evolved so he had to create something even more powerful than himself - An Almighty Omnipotent Benevolent MAGIC SKY FAIRY that we all bow down to! Well, he IS a Ninja I guess...

Hey Chuck, I'm going to prove you wrong by using the same amount of evidence you did:

We evolved because Charles Darwin said so. And I can't do all things and neither can you. I'm officially placing you below Steven Seagal and Jean-Claude Van Damme in the action star category. So here are some new Chuck Norris facts:

Chuck Norris locks himself in the bathroom and pees his pants.

I gave Chuck Norris a survey...and he failed.

Feel free to add your own.

13 comments:

Berlzebub said...

Isn't it funny that he considers his abilities from the Sky Daddy, but the martial arts he uses were created by people who didn't believe in the same? I'm pretty sure that the ones who had to use those skills just to make it through life could kick his ass with both legs tied behind their back. They weren't dealing with the rules and regulations of tournaments, or stuntmen paid to take a fall when his foot or hand gets near them.

Bronze Dog said...

Question: Is the change in rank factoring in Stephen Seagal's Cherry Charge?

Infophile said...

Okay, we're going to need someone else to use for all those old Chuck Norris Facts. I'm thinking Penn Jillette. I can seriously see him kicking some IDiot ass.

Rockstar Ryan said...

OK, the Penn Jillette as badass has me thinking.

Gamers, let's prepare our party. May I start w/ the obvious?

J. Randi - Human Wizard.

Bronze Dog said...

Adam Savage and Jaimie Hyneman: Human Artificers

The Bullshido crowd: Human monks & ninjas.

Infophile said...

To expand on what I had:

Penn Jillette - Human Fighter
Teller - Halfling Rogue (I considered Bard, but he'd have to talk for that. Rogues can also spec to be quite skillful)

Anonymous said...

P.Z. Myers - Half-Orc Berserker/Barbarian (I'm aiming for a good expression of his rage, here, which would seem to fit a berserker, although, I wonder how we'd get in the "flame-throwing" part without magic)

R. Dawkins - Elf Bard / Cleric (Church of shut-the-F-up-you-pious-fool).

This is kinda fun, actually. How big is our dungeon-delving party going to get? Should we be making up key villains, too?

K. Hovind - Human thief (alignment: NE)

Akusai said...

Epic Legendary Heroes of Days Past:
Harry Houdini: NG Human Sorcerer

Carl Sagan: CG Human Bard (for his prolific creative drive)

More villains:
Michael Behe: LE Human Wizard (Enchantment specialization)

Deepak Chopra: NE Fallen Paladin, deity: "The Universe." INT of 8, but CHA of 16

Lower Class Evil Wizard Minions:
Sylvia Browne, Jonathan Edward, James Van Praagh, and Alison Dubois: 1st level necromancers

Ranson said...

I dunno. I'd say that Teller would be a multiclass Rogue (for his sleight-of-hand/ Wizard that has every spell enhanced with the "Silent Spell" feat. Also, he probably needs a few ranks in Loremaster, given that he's also one of magic's preeminent historians.

Berlzebub said...

This is kinda fun, actually. How big is our dungeon-delving party going to get? Should we be making up key villains, too?

K. Hovind - Human thief (alignment: NE)


But not a very good one. He got caught.

P.Z. Myers - Half-Orc Berserker/Barbarian (I'm aiming for a good expression of his rage, here, which would seem to fit a berserker, although, I wonder how we'd get in the "flame-throwing" part without magic)

Add a bottle of 150 proof. No magic needed.

austinatheist said...

F'ing Chuck Norris! I saw an infomercial on Trinity Broadcasting Network the other day(yes, I talk back to my television) in which he's promoting those silly Bible courses like so many home gyms that just get shoved under the bed. Oh, and they're still running Walker Texas Ranger on some channels. I hear it's big in Figi.

Accept Jesus Christ as your personal savior or Chuck Norris will break your face!

TheBrummell said...

I was the annonymous from earlier who suggested Hovind as a the evil thief. I agree that he'd probably be fairly low-level (perhaps 3 or 4), since he got caught (low ranks in "spurious logic", apparently).

That day, blogger was sending my commentary on a long, strange trip.

Akusai said...

Come to think of it, there used to be a website called "Fuck Norris Facts" until Cheerful Chuck sued the pants off the high school kid who, unlike many of his kin, realized that Norris wasn't anything special. It was pretty good. It had corruptions of the original facts. Just a couple I remember off the top of my head:

"Chuck Norris sued ABC claiming that he had already copyrighted the names 'Hope and Faith' for his left and right legs."

"The diseases that kill the most people every year are AIDS, cancer, and hepatitis. Chuck Norris has all of these."

"Chuck Norris once paid a male hooker to let him suck him off."

I don't see why these are any worse than the original Chuck Norris Facts.