Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Jesus Fish = Bad Driver

I was reading Orac's post today about knowing someone is a shitty driver without even seeing them in the process. This may be a first for my blog, but I have absolutely no evidence to back up the following statement:

People with a Jesus fish on their car can not drive.

My buddy Mike pointed this out to me several years ago.

When we were in college, we made weekly trips to the Super K-Mart for the essential supplies: Beer, cigs, chips and a few personal hygiene items. Mike is the stingiest person I know, and would compare the "price per ounce" to see what box size of Lucky Charms was cheaper. I always asked him why he didn't just get the size he needed. I'll never get Mike, ever...

Anywhoo, one day we pulled up to a stoplight.

Mike: Oh shit dude, a Jesus Fish.

Ryan: Yeah, so what?

Mike: Ryan (imagine someone saying your name, but meaning "Asshole". That's how Mike always says my name) everyone knows that people with Jesus Fish on the back of their cars can't drive. Watch this guy. He's going to do something stupid before the next stoplight.

Sure as Pat Roberts and apologetics, the JF guy swerved between 3 lanes, prompting Mike to scream "GET A LANE, BUTT-BRAIN!" I'll never get Mike, ever...

It was maybe a year later when I tested this hypothesis with some of my friends. Through my own observation, I noticed a correllation between Jesus Fish and bad driving.

Ryan: Uh-oh. Jesus Fish.

Ryan's Friends: So what?

Ryan: This chick is going to do something stupid before the next stoplight.

Sure as Sylvia Browne is a big fat idiot the moron cut directly in front of me, swerved back to the other lane, cut back in front of me, and swerved into that little limbo area in between lanes, where she stayed for the next block or two.

Now, I realize that correllation does not equal causation, but I'd like to know if anyone else has experienced the Jesus Fish effect?


Anonymous said...

Put that sticker on a Prius and you have a serioulsy dangerous combination. Fortunately the Prius wont cause too much damage

Ryan Michael said...

Ahh!! You're giving me nightmares!

Jay Denari said...

I think I have, but can't think of a specific incident.

The connection's not so much Fish = bad driver as it is Fish = self-centered asshole. How else can you describe people who believe their way is the only way and that god will "save" them regardless of "their works" (remember, their view says that treating people well doesn't matter, only "salvation" does) if they spout biblical mantras incessantly?

Ryan Michael said...

A good hypothesis Jay.

Anonymous said...

So I was driving back from a day trip yesterday, I told my wife all about the "Jesus Fish = Bad Driver" connection, and low and behold, looming up ahead, a Jesus Fish sticker next to a sticker with something like "Don't worry, God's in control" written on it. We both said, "before the next light....." but only got that far before the idiot cut across two solid white lines as she changed her mind about making an exit and cut off two lanes of traffic in the process. I am going to be watching for those fish from now on! Rock on

Ryan Michael said...

Like I said, correllation doesn't prove causation, but damn do those Jesus Fishes drive like shit!

bd__sd said...

You are forgetting the Observers' Dilemna (aka Uncertainty Principle): that _seeing_ a a JFish improves the viewers ability to detect bad driving.

Thus, Jesus saves you.


I've thought of putting a Jesus Fish, a Darwin Fish, a Save Our Troops, and Impeach Bush all on my Prius, but I don't think I could take the damage from the H2s and other Priuses slamming into me.

Anonymous said...

I've noticed it too, but it's subtle enough I might be performing confirmation bias. The fact that I'm in Texas and that there's one on every [frell]ing car here might have something to do with it.

Anyway, my hypothesis is that it's a symptom of people who can't begin to entertain the idea that they might be wrong.

Salty Rainbow said...

OOOOH MY GOOOD!! THANK-YOU!! Do you know how long I've been saying this? YEARS!! EVERY SINGLE FREAKIN' TIME I get stuck behind one of these asses I ALWAYS regret it!! Especially if I let them in! I was just stuck behind some ass today going 15 m.p.h making me MORE LATE!~!!@! AUGH! Is there some special christian site to go to and tell these oblivious fu**ers to either hurry-up, pick a lane, whatever other idiotic thing..Just b/c they have the fish does'nt grant them some special God-is-protecting-me-so-watch-out/I'm-taking-alll-my-time-right!!Jerks!! watch out for those handicap plaques,too. If they can't help it..then just get away from them, too. and tiny girls in big trucks..and most of all OLD FU**ING PEOPLE!!!! whew..I was so angry I held my breath the whole tim typing and not even realize...fucking jesus fish driver ass!!!

Bronze Dog said...

Wow! That's some venting.

I don't tend to see a lot of slow drivers with Jesus fish, but I do see the crazy lane changes far too often, as well as speeding.

At least those with handicap plates have a potential excuse.