Thursday, August 03, 2006

Jesus + Nintendo = Suck

BWAHAHAHAHA! Miss me? Kisses all. 'Bout time I got around to this.

Gather round kids - today we're going to talk about another awesome creation from the Army of Jeebus. Mario got you down? Sonic too much of a heretic? Moms - have you ever just thought that Ness and his cronies were too damn violent? Never fear; Jeeeeesus is here!

I thought I had played the shittiest games of all time - Dirk of the 99 Dragons and Grabbed by the Ghoulies set new precedent for the words "shitty games". As a matter of fact, it's an offense to all the good tax-paying American Shits out there.

Enter Wisdom Tree's "King of Kings".

If "sucks royal ass" were a video game, this would be it. Oh Jesus...

Let's start with the E3 hit "The Wise Men". I don't know why they say "men" when there's only one man in the game, but whatever.

So Balthazar (or Gaspar, or Melchior, or Ramrod... whoever) has to ride around on his camel and collect bottles of frankincense. That's it. But since this game is made by and for Jesus, there's no enemies. Fun...

Ready for your reward? YOU GET TO FIND OUT HOW MANY BOTTLES YOU COLLECTED TO GIVE TO BABY JESUS! If that don't sound like fun, call me "Heathen Bob". But I prefer "Grimlock".

How 'bout some "Jesus and the Temple"? I hope this game gets better...

Yeah, better find him. I hope this is my quest because kicking Sephiroth's ass wouldn't compare to searching for Jesus...

Remember that part in the bible where Joseph has to evade the evil fish monsters to find the missing boy Jesus? Me either. But it would sure make that boring ass book a little cooler. Does anyone else think the bible should have ninjas?

Since this is a Jesus game, you have infinite lives just like you will in Heaven with our Sky Daddy. So I just thought of cool ways to make Joseph die. Here he is falling into one of the many waterfalls common to the Middle East.

Here's a little trick to edumacate you on Bible Trivia. I'd have to admit I'm not an expert, but do they have to put the right answer on top? Seriously, in this pathetic excuse for a mini-game the right answer was on top 100% of the time. Praise his name!

I can get through Level 4-2 on Super Mario 2 faster than any other human alive. I know the way to the Laughing Kettle in Wizardry VI with my eyes closed. But for some reason, I can't jump over any of these fucking waterfalls...
God hates me.

Ok, on the next game, the imaginativly titled "Flight to Egypt" Joseph takes Mary to Bethlehem on a pissed off donkey. It's as fun as it sounds.

The point of all this? Someone slapped a big "JEEEEBUS" sticker across this piece of garbage and his army bought it. Wake up folks. Just because it has Jeebus don't make it good.

And does anyone else think we should re-write the bible to make it less boring? Get rid of all that "Bashladirka begat Bashlaskaa begat Dirkaboring" crap and replace it with Pirate vs. Ninja fights?

Next time maybe...


Anonymous said...

Welcome back.

After watching an episode of Coronation Street, I too realized the power of ninjas. Any and all television show can be improved with the addition of ninjas.

As for the game ... on the one hand, it not Left Behind with its heathen hunting. On the other hand, it not Left Behind with its heathen hunting.

Bronze Dog said...

Welcome back, Ryan. Now maybe I can go back to that third banana job I was originally expecting. ;)

Bronze Dog said...

Oh, yeah: I took a look at gamefaqs for tips on that "Find Jesus" level. Turns out he was hiding behind the couch this whole time.

Bronze Dog said...

Sorry to monopolize the comments, but just noticed this:

Does anyone else think the bible should have ninjas?

You've only got one for the central character.

Ranson said...

Wow. Didn't even notice this wasn't a BD post on first read.

Welcome back, Ryan.

Bronze Dog said...

I don't know if I should be flattered or insulted by that.

Michael Bains said...

Go with insulted. I'm sure Ryan would want it that way.

Oh. Wait. He's BaaaAck! Good to have ya mate! Glad to see you're still kickin' it.

This ain't 'xactly whatchyer lookin' for, but the Aussies have put a spin on el diBible

"Out of the blue God knocked up the whole bang lot.... God said 'let's have some light' and bingo - light appeared."

Here's more.

Lookin' forward to more from you, dude!


Anonymous said...

I (btw, I am an atheist) saw reviews of several NES games put out by Wisdom Tree, and picked one up to try with an emulator. The game "Spiritual Warfare" was actually kinda fun. You don't get actual "weapons" -- you hurl Apples of Love and Grapes of Joy at your "enemies," who include horrible foes like airport Hare Krishnas -- but, y'know, beaning a Hare Krishna with an apple wasn't the worst time I've ever had in a video game. :^)

Bronze Dog said...

I'm sure there are plenty of people who know about that game. :)

I might have to pick it up, sometime. Who could resist pegging a Hare Krishna?

Anonymous said...

Hawk one here.

Just wanted to say that in the original Grand Theft Auto - you know, the one with shitty 2d graphics and a bird's view - my greatest joy was to run over a line of 8 Hare Krishnas with my car. If one did it just right, one would get a big bonus. I loved doing that. That, and simply punching them until they got so pissed that they forgot all about their non-violent ways. :D