"They make Ward Churchill look like Shirley Temple." -- John A. Davidson
[INTERIOR: February 9, 2009, PZ MYERS's secret lair built beneath the sprawling sewer system of Morris, Minnesota. While Western Civilization is reduced to smoldering ruins outside, MYERS sits atop the Cephalod Throne, surveying his squid aquarium. RICHARD DAWKINS stands to one side, near an old-fashioned Victrola and a dress dummy. He is using a curling iron to put ringlets into a blonde wig.]
[ENTER Tori and Dori, the contortionist twins. They are escorting at gunpoint WARD CHURCHILL.]
MYERS: Ah, Dr. Churchill. I suppose you are wondering why I've brought you here.
CHURCHILL: Wondering? Hardly, Dr. Myers. This is precisely the sort of discursive act I would expect from one so thoroughly reified in the rational-materialist hegemony. As I was saying in my recent monograph--
MYERS: Silence! I did not bring you here to hear you speak. Tori and Dori have their weapons trained on you, and should you manage to evade their gunfire, you would still need to traverse the moat of deadly Humboldt squid. I assure you, escape is impossible, and your cooperation is most necessary. Richard, help Dr. Churchill prepare for his performance.
[DAWKINS approaches CHURCHILL with the wig, a large pinafore, and tap shoes, size 11.]
DAWKINS: Dr. Churchill, it would be in your best interest to don this curly wig and pinafore. You really have no choice.
[CHURCHILL looks nervously at the twins, who raise their weapons and prepare to fire at a moment's notice. Reluctantly, he pulls the pinafore over his freshly pressed workshirt and jeans, and places the wig awkwardly on his head. As his humiliation grows, DAWKINS smears rouge on his cheeks.]
MYERS: Music, Richard, please.
[DAWKINS returns to the Victrola, gives the crank a few turns, and places the needle on the record. The unmistakable sound of On the Good Ship Lollipop is heard. MYERS settles imperiously on his throne and begins to relax. A smile plays across his face.]
MYERS: Now, Dr. Churchill. Dance!
Posted by: HP | February 14, 2008 5:37 PM