Thursday, June 05, 2008

At the Mall

I saw an Asian guy with a set of massage tables (not sure what the term is: Padded with a face hole), some pictures of feet with lots of pointers, and a kanji-peppered picture of a person. He's got a little booth with $12, $15, and $20 dollar prices for whatever.

Any suggestions for how I should mess with this highly probable woo?


Don said...

Tell him you have a headache. When he begins the reflexology (at least that's what it sounds like), he will presumably be massaging parts of your feet that "correspond" to head pain or somesuch nonsense.

Immediately begin feigning psychological symptoms; hearing voices, manic laughter, etc. Then switch it up; start talking about "All the pretty shapes, maaaaan, it's like psychedelic! I totally understand 2012 now!" Then act drunk. Call a drunken halt to the process, stagger to your feet, and demand your money back; tell him he was obviously working the wrong parts of the head and now you're going to have a hangover in the morning.

Bronze Dog said...

That is so tempting. Suggestions on how to act drunk/hungover would be appreciated since I've never been in that state.

Bing said...

Fake a stroke.

First say, "It's getting hot." This is a symptom of having a stroke near the cerebral cortex. Then start saying words that are unrelated as if they were in sentences before just slurring. At this point, try putting the right corner of your mouth to your right earlobe and let your right arm and leg go limp, slumping to the right.
Strokes can be hilarious if you know how!


Don said...

I've never been drunk either, but I've been told told that my impersonations of drunk people are eerily accurate, and all I do is go with the standard stereotype: a ten-mile, dumbfounded stare and slurred speech.

Clint Bourgeois said...

From my one experience being drunk:

Say your significant other's name over and over. Beat everyone at a board game from the next room. Hold onto the couch as tightly as you can (which isn't all that tight) for fear of falling off. Start throwing up without concern for where it is going. Don't bother saying goodbye to your friends who are leaving your house in a hurry, they understand.

Anonymous said...

I recently was at a mall where someone was trying to sell me this lotion for my "obviously dry" skin (note, my skin almost always feels just fine to me, so this actually came off far more insulting), and how this was far more natural stuff. The lady had this sort of Jamaican accent. When I pointed out that "organic" merely means "has carbon" and "chemical" refers to pretty much ANY atom or molecule and that everything "in a lab" came from nature originally, her accent mysteriously changed to the local flavor as she tried to say that I was totally wrong. She eventually CHANGED her definition of chemical on the spot (a standard tactic of these naturalistic woo types, I always wonder why they suddenly change their ENTIRE justification for something without once questioning where they are getting this brand new information mid-conversation) to "not processed". At this point I asked what her bottles of substances were if they weren't processed somewhere. Apparently "process" has a mysterious fuzzy definition too, because grinding down seeds and mixing them with oils in a machine to a certain ratio before packaging a goo you just won't ever find in the wild to be sold doesn't count as a process at all.

At this point, I decided to politely take my leave.

As for your case, this sounds like a fun practical joke. I too have never been drunk, or high, but apparently my impersinations are judged far too accurate. I too gather my impersonations from stereotypes on TV (namely, stuff like Family Guy).

I will suggest one addition: a camera. This sort of thing would make good watching if done right, and good watching if done wrong actually.

Anonymous said...

Fairly obvious, but demand a "happy ending". And then report him to the Better Business Bureau if he refuses.

Anonymous said...

"Organic" can refer to certification given by various agencies to products (usually meat, fish, fruit and veg) grown without certain fertilisers, drugs etc. and conforming to certain standards of husbandry.

Many, if not most, chemicals found in a lab will have been artificially synthesised. The component atoms will obviously be natural, but the compounds themselves will not be (although it is usually possible to find the same chemicals occurring naturally).

The fact that something (particularly drugs) is natural and organic usually just means it is more expensive and less effective. Organic meat tastes nicer, but that is usually due to better husbandry and older animals.

Tom Foss said...

Organic meat tastes nicer, but that is usually due to better husbandry and older animals.

In all seriousness, I'd like to see a double-blind test on this. There's a large psychological component to enjoyment; when you pay a lot for something, you're more inclined to play up the good aspects and ignore the bad, than if you'd paid less or gotten it for free. I'm curious how much that figures into people's "organic tastes better" sentiments. Especially given how wide and variable the guidelines for getting the "organic" label are.

Lifewish said...

Comparison of taste quality between organically and conventionally grown fruits and vegetables returned a negative result. Fraid the link is an abstract only, the original doesn't seem to be available.