Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Frightning Fundies! ...Maybe.

Since my latest Doggerel entry wasn't all that scary, here's some stuff from "Fundies Say the Darndest Things!" with some hopefully humorous commentary by me.

"If you are one of those that doubt the existence of the devil then let me start off by saying that the devil is real and he is sly... so slick that he has deceived you into doubting his existence! The devil is a deceiver and he is so smooth at shoving thoughts into our heads that a lost soul without God in his/her life will not be able to discern between their own thoughts, and those from the devil. I will show you what I have experienced and you will judge for yourself, the validity of the existence of the devil. If you conclude that the devil exist then you surely cannot doubt the existence of God. There is good and there is evil.
This right here is called logismoi. It is the process where your thoughts do not originate from you...they originate from the devil. The devil can put thoughts into your head and is always trying to tear you apart.
The devil hates you and he wants you to be depressed, down, sad, lonely, rejected...he wants you to always think that you cannot make it, you're unworthy, you're a reject, you're weak, you're hopeless, no one likes you....all these thoughts are from the devil!!!"

YourChild, Christian Forums

So, how does YourChild know that the thoughts posted didn't come from the devil? How does YourChild know that the idea that God filters out devilish thought didn't come from the devil? Someone stop the Cartesian Circle, I wanna get off.

Also... in the last paragraph, is this person saying that the Devil is a televangelist?

"freedom of what? our rights? YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO POT. true freedom is letting the people decide what your rights are. collective relativism= they negate each other nicely:)

[A productive culture would be one that is maximally expressive, rather than maximally constrictive. Pot being illegal is but one manner in which modern culture is constrictive.]

okay, let's do away with society and rape anyone we want.....not."

Ethan, Myspace

I wonder what this guy's stance on alcohol and tobacco is...

Anyway: Wanting to get high legally in the comfort of your own home -> Rape. Something tells me the park slide isn't as well-oiled as he thinks it is.

"[Non-sequitor Bible verses omitted for brevity]

The Pre-Adamites; Children of Satan; N.W.O. (New World Order)

I believe there were Pre-Adamites.

Pre-Adamites were angelic beings who inhabited not only the earth, but also a temperate Venus, Mars and Rahab. Lucifier was the archangel who ruled over these worlds. He became arrogant, however, and desired more power than that which was vested in him by the Lord.

Lucifer's rebellion was met with destruction. His home planet of Rahab, which existed between Mars and Jupiter, was completely annihilated. Rahab's existence was reduced to what we know today as the Asteroid Belt between Mars and Jupiter. It is also likely God used pieces of the planet to pour out His wrath upon Venus, Earth and Mars. This would explain why evidence of catastrophe on these planets is so profound. Mars was clearly once a habitable planet; so was Venus, in all likelihood.

The Dragon is Lucifer. With his world destroyed, he and his minions were scattered. There, rebellious angels later engaged in sexual relations with the daughters of men. This resulted in a angel-human hybrid race. [...]

These fallen angels exist today as "aliens." It is my belief that these fallen beings possess technology greater than ours, including what we know as UFOs, and inhabit the inner crust of the earth. The earth is hollow. The crust of the earth is 800 to 1000 miles thick, and there is a small sun at the center of the earth. The inner-earth is (or at least was) a tropical paradise. It is quite possible Eden existed in the inner-earth. It is also quite possible Paradise (of which Jesus spoke on the Cross) is located within the earth.

The Bermuda Triangle is likely a portal into the inner-earth; this would explain the many disappearances, sightings of UFOs, and other strange occurences."

B®ent, Christian Forums

Maybe this guy is why Ethan is apparently so concerned about pot.

"fsdt is a communist cesspoll of far left liberals and other satanic worshipping people who enjoy nothing more than hurting the otherwise good image of Religious people who wish nothing more than to speak the truth. You can address my points here, but submiting my ideas to that fascist website does nothing more than raise a white flag of "I surrender, because I refuse to address the content of what you said". Please, take off your fantasy helmet for just a few moments and look over what I have said."

Trinidad & Tobago, CARM.org
Because we all know: Laughing at a guy for poisoning the well proves that he's right. And that Communists and Fascists are exactly the same thing.
"Imagine that you could listen to or talk face-to-face with satan about any subject that has to do with God.

Then bring to remembrance anything you've heard atheists say against God. (Or if you are an atheist, you know your own sentiments and thoughts).

Now, if you try, you will find that it is impossible to imagine satan expressing sentiments about God different than what atheists express. Satan certainly is not going to speak positively about God, and neither are atheists. So, what both think and verbalize is in complete harmony with one another.

Atheism is therefore a doctrine of demons, and in many, if not all cases, atheists are demon-possessed.

So it is quite possible that when you read the writings of atheists, or heard them speaking, all you heard was demons ranting against God."
Funny, I sometimes imagine a face-to-face talk with Lawful Evil D&D deities and what they say often syncs up exactly with what fundies say.

""You are guilty of mutation, but the power of Jesus can take it away"

When you mutate it is because you did not believe in Jesus, the One by whom all things exist and are created (John 1:3). If you had believed in Jesus you would be able to exist without needing to mutate. Neither would you attempt to mutate because you would be living as you were designed to live.

The bible records many cases where the power of Jesus overcame the results of mutations, even the very doubt associated with mutation.

Matthew 11:4-5 records Jesus saying "Go and tell John the things which you hear and see: The blind see and the lame walk; [...] the deaf hear [...]"

Matthew 12:13 records "Then He said to the man, "Stretch out your hand." And he stretched it out, and it was restored as whole as the other."

Matthew 15:30 records "Then great multitudes came to Him, having with them the lame, blind, mute, maimed, and many others; and they laid them down at Jesus' feet, and He healed them."

Only the Devil would want these people to remain disabled and less than the best that they could be. Only someone who rejected God's power to heal would say "those people should be deformed" and do nothing to help them.

The power of Jesus is there to be discovered by everyone. Jesus said in John 16:24 "Until now you have asked nothing in My name. Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be complete". If you have mutations that you don't want, Jesus has made it possible to be rid of them!"

Gottservant, Christian Forums
Funny, I always thought some types of blindness, deafness, etcetera were a result of environment. I didn't know it was ALL genetic.

I also always thought that people who didn't believe in faith healing were into preventing blindness by vaccinating against diseases that often result in blindness, among other measures. I had no idea cataract surgery was the result of divine power.

"To whoever stole my children's bicycles: Let me guess: You've been taught that God isn't real, so you think you can do whatever you want."

Ticked Off!, Orlando Sentinel
No. They were likely fundy Christians taught that all they have to do to be forgiven is clap their hands together and mumble. Easier to ask for forgiveness than permission, right?

Okay, so they weren't really all that scary, were they?


Rev. BigDumbChimp said...

Stupid can sometimes be scary but not always. These classify as stupid but not quite scary-stupid.

Now, there are some really scary things reproduced on fstdt. Insane scary.

Bronze Dog said...

I was kind of grabbing at random. There's a vast treasure trove at fstdt, and I didn't want to spend a whole lot of time, since the truly scary ones would make me angry.

Feel free to provide more examples in the comments.

Infophile said...

This one is priceless:

"[Am I in discussion with a human who has a functioning brain?]

What does a functioning brain have to do with the Bible?"

LittleLambofJesus, Christian Forums

Don said...

That opening salvo about the devil sounds an awful lot like your old "God is a ninja" argument, BD. Maybe that particular fundie is a fan.

The Ridger, FCD said...

Gosh, I can imagine having a chat with Satan about God - why not? God does (see Job) - but you know what? I rather doubt Satan would tell me - in the conditions of this chat - that God doesn't exist. That's what an atheist would say.

This is a concept they find very difficult to grasp. We don't think god is evil or anything else. Anything else. God isn't. Period.

They're the ones who are stuck with this god that does all that stuff they have to explain, somehow.

The Ridger, FCD said...

ps - Infophile, is that the spherical cow with constant density?

Infophile said...

ps - Infophile, is that the spherical cow with constant density?

Of course. Some try to get away with cows whose density is simply spherically symmetric, but then they run into pesky problems when you have to spin them.

Rev. BigDumbChimp said...

This one was one that grabbed me.

"No, everyone is born Christian. Only later in life do people choose to stray from Jesus and worship satan instead. Atheists have the greatest "cover" of all, they insist they believe in no god yet most polls done and the latest research indicates that they are actually a different sect of Muslims."

Bob said...

Speaking of a conversation with Satan, in his Critique of Religion and Philosophy, Walter Kaufman wrote three dialogues for some comic relief a little over half way through the book, calling it a "Satanic Interlude, Or How To Go To Hell." As it turns out, the last is a dialogue between Satan and an atheist. Satan becomes frustrated with the atheist's repudiation of scripture, and says:

"I am merely shuddering at the prospect of having to spend an eternity with you. I should rather like to make a human being of you before you settle down in my place. I don't agree with the people who accept these scriptures, but I can talk with them and, to be frank, I rather enjoy talking with them. But you! I wish you'd go to heaven."

The first two are dialogues between Satan and a theologian, and Satan and a Christian. Satan reveals himself as a false flatterer to the theologian, then manages to convince the Christian that he, Satan, does not exist. Good stuff.