Monday, July 30, 2007

Pointless Question #4

You're in Engineering. It's coming close to 1600 hours. All of the ship's replicators are down and you can't figure out why. The captain comes down and wants to know why he can't have his fucking Earl Grey, and he wants an answer NOW.

What do you tell him?


Joshua said...

Those sloppy bastards in logistics didn't purchase enough spare parts.

Anonymous said...

"I cannae do it, Cap'n! I cannae change the laws of physics!"

Infophile said...

I tell him that in order to fix the replicators, I'm going to need to reverse the polarity of the neutron flow. And to do that, I'm going to need a sonic screwdriver. So he'd better get the ship headed to the nearest portal connecting the Trekverse to the Whoniverse.

Mechalith said...

Sorry Captain, I always have a hard time functioning without my coffee and the replicators broke before I got any. I'll have 'em online in 3 hours, I promise, just have to reroute the subcompiler through cargo transporter 3 and invert the neutrino couplings... ah... the phasers may be mint flavored for a little while.

Calladus said...

"Well Captain, if you'll recall, I sent out a ship-wide email stating that the IT department would be doing routine upgrades and virus removal on the networked replicator system starting at noon today, and to expect delays due to software patching issues.

As part of my original email alert, (and the two follow-up emails), I expressly recommended that crew members replicate, ahead of time, enough food and beverage for a 24 hour period. Of course tap water dispensers and reheating units are available to everyone on all decks.

I do remember you had this same reaction the last time the ship's replicators crashed, so I took the liberty of replicating a box of individually wrapped bags of Earl Gray tea leaves, suitable for brewing your own tea. Here you go. You're welcome."

"No, Captain, I don't have time to brew your tea for you - I'm working on the replicator. The box of tea comes with a twelve-page illustrated manual that explains everything."

"I don't care if it's too technical for you, Captain! Get an Ensign to do it! That's what they're good for! Get Ensign Crusher, he should be able to figure it out!"

(grumble) "And it'll keep the little snot outta my hair while I wipe Westley's attempt to run Half-life version 23 on the replicator network."

"What? No sir. I didn't say anything."

Rev. BigDumbChimp said...

calladus I have a feeling you and I are in the same line of work.

Mechalith said...

Yeah, me too Rev...

Berlzebub said...

Okay, not only does Calladus speak for me, but I think he also wins whatever award is being offered.

Although, I would have just used the transporter. Isn't that how they solve all dilemmas?

Calladus said...

Well, I'm an electrical engineer, and ex-military. I'm not in the IT department.

Our Engineering department gives IT the heebie jeebies. We invent plug-in cards and network applications and then plug them into our computers and test them.

It took some work, but we convinced the IT department to give us our own network, not connected to the corporate net, and extra computers to run tests on.

And of course, if an engineer's computer breaks the engineer is sure he can fix it himself - and usually he can. But engineers are not so concerned about unintentional consequences to the rest of the network. "Who cares as long as my stuff works?"

So when IT hears that an engineer's computer has gone down they come running. They know if they wait too long the engineer may try to "fix" it.

"Scotty, the replicators are spitting out Tribbles!"

"Aye, Captain! But look at the performance increase on tha Main Viewer! Have ye ever seen such beautiful resolution?"

Anonymous said...

"Do I look like your fuckin' waitress, baldy?"


"I'm a doctor, not a tea-girl"

"Sorry 'bout that. I was tryin' to replicate more hash y'know, and Geordi was seein' all these really cool colors y'know, and there was this alien y'know, and I thought he said something about an elephant, y'know..."

"I'm not wearing any panties. What was that about tea?"

Anonymous said...

"Well yes, technically your chronometer might say that it's 1600, but since we've been travelling at speeds vastly exceeding c for the last week, even a basic Einsteinian theories will tell you that when it comes to tea-time, all bets are off.

Any way, aren't you French?"

Bronze Dog said...

Okay, this wasn't a contest, but Fire Walk wins.